{S04E07 : 20101014 : 0802}

“I Am Gonna Be Here”

Work begins. It is just one of those days where the blues sets in. The Blind Boys of Alabama with their thick mellow tune plays in my ears. Nodding off on the bus. Breakfast fried instant noodles with a sunny side up egg. Diet Coke to go. The monorail filled with too many third world foreigners. Skipped one. Took the other. Can half empty, was not able to finish it in time. It is still too early to be eight.

I probably look as bad as I feel. I was thinking about ranting about atheism but I am not in a mood for that now. There is no point trying to reason with barking dogs. If we really wanted peace, it is still better to put it down. Sometimes. I am not much a fan of lengthy time consuming negotiations. It seems less effective. Although in real life, I am rather peaceful and patient. I guess when you do it a lot, the frustration builds up and you realise that there are more effective ways. I would prefer to be responsible if I ever had access to that power. The Winston’s “Color Him Father” now plays in successive loops.

I have been harbouring a feeling of being lost in my way for a while now. I cannot see where I am heading to. I wake up each morning hoping I would wake up from this restlessness and boredom. That some day I can do what I really want to. Express myself freely. Be free in the sense I can create and not worry about time or the lack of it. I had that for a moment while visiting Elizabeth. Now it feels like dream. I worry I would not be able to go back to that. I have not been happier for so long. Everything felt possible, now it is but a struggle each day to make it back to bed.

Work is fine though. I am not here, not there either. Not sure where I am. I do know that if I am with her as I was with God, everything would be better again. I would be able to find my direction. We are in a state of purgatory. Waiting almost indefinitely for my visa to be reviewed.

I would very much like to see her again before the year ends, but our financial plan does not approve of that. So, I am saving up for the final transition period instead. It seems my whole life is not settled. Always in transition. I would like a place to call home one day.

I feel like going home now. Take a day off from life. I hope one day when I do wake up. I would be coloured a father by those who love me. Right now I am without form.

{S04E07 : 20101014 : 0912}

copyright 2008 – 2010 yamashita riki . all rights reserved internationally . www.yamashitariki.com

“Yakuza Day”

I must be tired. I am in a daze. Managed to clear most if not all of my jobs by quarter to five. I probably need a massage. I feel like soaking in a tub filled with Coca-Cola. Blow bubbles underneath the black liquid. Next Friday is payday. I am looking forward to that at least. This month’s expenses are high. In and out. A 7eleven stop transaction.

I declared today “Yakuza Day”. It is a day I would not whine. Accept things as they are, and deal with the situation as it comes. I would be quieter, almost Kitano Takeshi silent. However, all without the violence, wine, women and song. I can grunt as much as I like. Walk as flamboyantly as I please. I lack any flowery shirts, so I am sticking to the black and white convention. Without the Elvis hairdo.

I wonder what I would do tonight. I do not have much to look forward going home early. There is a salad. Maybe that is the reason. It is a good salad though. Premium hydroponic leaves. It should be good. But I feel there is no rush. I would like to get a seat on the bus if possible.

I am still undecided.

We shall see.

But what is it with all these trivial nonsense? I need to start opening up again. There is plenty more I would wish to express.

{S04E06 : 20101013 : 1657}

copyright 2008 – 2010 yamashita riki . all rights reserved internationally . www.yamashitariki.com

“In the Early Morning Rain”

In the early morning rain, with a monthly card in my hand. With an aching in my back and a pocket full of HTC Sense. I am a long way from home by public transportation. And I miss my loved ones.

In the early morning rain, with no place to go. Out on station Medan Tuanku. Big seven-o-fifty set to go. And I am stuck here behind the corporate glass. With a pain that ever grows. Now the trivial distractions feels hardly good. And the fleeting pleasures all were done fast. Well there she goes my friend. She is offline laying down at last.

Hear the mighty Riki Roar! See the silver gold ring resting on her thigh. She is away and westward bound from Boston to Pittsburgh. Far above the clouds she resides. Where the morning rain does not fall. And the sun always shines. She had flown over my home in about a year or so since this time.

This old world has got me down. It is no earthly good to me. And I am stuck here on the ground. As cold and sober as I can be. You cannot jump a plane like you can an LRT train. So I would be best on my way to work in the early morning rain.

Listening to Paul, Peter and Mary’s cover of Gordon Lightfoot’s “Early Mornin’ Rain” on the bus home from work this evening almost broke me completely. It resonated every anguish I have felt a month long in this weekday routine waking up before dawn and returning after dusk. Months away it feels almost like an eternity. This song really got to me. I dedicate this entry to what is left of my mild sanity.

“Early Morning Rain” performed by Paul, Peter & Mary (1966) {Gordon Lightfoot}

{S04E05 : 20101008 : 2323}

copyright 2008 – 2010 yamashita riki . all rights reserved internationally . www.yamashitariki.com

“That Magical Feeling”

After lunch, Olivia asked me what sort of woman was my type. I think because a decently attractive lady from Singapore joined us for lunch today. By consensus probably she is. I might be too proud or I am rather used to skin-deep beauty. I did after all single-handedly develop Triumph International Malaysia’s website. My response was it did not really matter how pretty she looked but how she made me feel as a man.

So she asked again how my significant other is like. I said she and I walked side by side and I could always rely on her to put my stuff in her handbag (and ruffle through it). There is something magical about how she makes me feel. Different men maybe need to be felt differently. To me, I would say she is perfect. I hope she reads this and buys me a nice present for being sweet.

Lunch was good. Work is manageable. I am responsible for building the social media aspect of the currently company I am tied to. I am trying to hit a 5000 mark on a Facebook Page. It has been slow but surely. Now I am down to my last half hour for the week. I cannot believe it has just been a month. It feels like a really long month. And there are few more to go.

I am definitely looking forward to this weekend. Mostly to relax. I have been unwell for the last two weekends here and there. My cough has not quite subsided yet.

I wonder again if I should go home right after or hang about until traffic decides to die down. Yesterday was just terrible. Watching the Shield made the hours that past unnoticeable. I am tempted to hang out in the city doing absolutely nothing. I would also like to go home and relax. Feels like purgatory. Oh darn, it is raining. I guess that decides it.

Today on Google’s main search page they commemorate John Lennon’s 70th birthday. I made a screen capture and turned my wallpaper to look like one giant Google search page. It amuses me somehow.

It is almost time to go. I will probably continue this when I get back, if I survive the three hour ordeal.

{S04E04 : 20101008 : 1651}

copyright 2008 – 2010 yamashita riki . all rights reserved internationally . www.yamashitariki.com

“No Greater Love”

“It’s not my fault that I’m Japanese . . . yet it’s my worst crime that I am!” The words are those of Kaji, hero of The Human Condition (Trilogy) ~ Philip Kemp, Criterion; 20090909

After a good rest, I was lingering for more. Still waiting for the day to end. Must be rather wasteful to think each day of life like that. Hurrying through to pay day. Trying to reach that figure saved up that makes the struggle meaningful. Stories and movies are often about the stuff in between, that Body of Christ. I have enough romance, drama and action in my life for the time being.

I came across a rather nice Paul Weller album today, entitled “Studio 150″. It has quickly become a favourite since “Live Wood”, “Stanley Road” and “Heavy Soul”. I have been listening to the entire album thrice in a row already. It really jives while working. It is really too bad so few people I have been acquainted with know of Paul Weller, the Modfather. It has become something of a private musical pleasure to enjoy alone. Well, unless I find myself in England.

Accomplishing something is always sweet. Taking some time to relax and prepare for the second half of the day. Day in day out. Something new to learn. Lunch is in fifteen.

Instead of waiting for the day to end, I have to figure out how to maximise the time value. Writing my online journal is one on the list. However, I need to get back into the game. Been really stagnating and getting rusty. I am thinking of converting the relevant movies that are kosher by the Organisation to watch in the long bus rides home. It would help me catch up on the subject matter and study it in depth. Kobayashi Masaki’s “The Human Condition Trilogy” (1959 – 1961) based on a novel by Junpei Gomikawa, is definitely biblical in our eyes. The film’s runtime definitely echoes that at 579 minutes. Endo Shusaku’s “Silence” (Chinmoku, 1966) and supplementary novels are also equally prized. I could also go back into reading the Jstor journal articles of Monumenta Nipponica. There are plenty things to do really, I just need a good kick up the backside.

Back from lunch. I have three hours to go. I am trying to think of something interesting to mention about because all I have been really doing is rambling.

Staring at this notepad. Yes, my favourite digital medium is the trusty generic notepad. I use Microsoft Word for spell-check but I have always relied on notepad to get most things done. It feels nostalgic like typewriters.

I wished I did more with my life at this point in time. Not that I am not. I have been involved in some international projects but I meant something meaningful that is related to my dwindling faith. Did I say dwindling? No, I meant just being very lazy.

I am trying to think back what caused this decline? I know I still have the fire, but I do not understand why I have been avoiding my duties. I remember the commitment was really too high. It deterred me. Health problems inbetween. Dayjob took most of my energy. And a host of other excuses and explanations. Things have gotten better since. Yet, I see myself denying happiness and peace of mind. What am I afraid of? Definitely not losing that eternal peace. I guess that perhaps is what scares me. That it is eternal … final. I can never turn back. I feel like I should at least understand as much of this misalignment. I have not fully grasped this subject of ignorance. Now I do know, I can exercise some compassion towards the bitter half of humanity. So maybe the time is soon to pledge my duties again. I can’t help but wanting to indulge just a bit more.

I have an hour and a half left. There was no point leaving early yesterday, but I wanted to get home the earliest possible after the rain and try to beat traffic. I still got home late. I left at five and reached home eight thirty. Three and a half hours of mostly standing. I watched two episodes of the Shield. I have no idea yet what I would like to do after work today. At least to kill time until the traffic dies off. And perhaps something that does not cost money. The only place I can think of is Starbucks. I can basically sit there for three hours at most if I wanted to. It beats waiting for the buses that never come.

Another hour. I would like to end this with something poise and poignant. I do not think I am getting anywhere with that. I guess I will continue to ramble.

Counting the hours is different from the rabbit that is watching time. I am not so much in a hurry. I feel restless in general. Depressed on occasion. Hardly bored unless there is nothing to talk about or when people start speaking Chinese during a conversation. I am trying to think back again what made me slip. I feel beside the commitment factor it could also be I lost some sense of urgency. Maybe I have pacified all enemies. There is no push towards anything. No dramatic climax to overcome a greater external factor. Everything started becoming internal. Inner demons and other nasty cat excrement.

I do not have any enemies now. Maybe the lingering ones in the past. But no real nemesis. It should be rather peaceful. However, I have become complacent, stout, plump and comfortable living within my Hobbit land boundaries. This is no good. I have started to harass the white cat. That certainly isn’t good.

I somehow wished she could realise that my every day journey from dawn to dusk, is as the ending with Kaji trying to reach home – although in dramatic exaggeration. She could be my other reason for my descent into the realm of the senses. I cannot cast any blame on her presence, as it also brought me as much joy and peace as God would be in person. I should get her to watch the movie. We have only made the first ten minutes before dozing off the last time. But we must. Our souls depend strictly on experiencing this no greater love along the road to eternity. I am left with a soldier’s prayer as I descend further into the evening where I am willed away by the trains, buses and tormented by the uncertainty of traffic.

“The dilemma of the principled dissident – how can someone who rejects the basic tenets of an unjust society remain within it and avoid being tainted, and ultimately even corrupted, by it?” ~ Philip Kemp, Criterion; 20090909

{S04E03 : 20101006 : 1625}

copyright 2008 – 2010 yamashita riki . all rights reserved internationally . www.yamashitariki.com

“Feels Like Monday”

I have been feeling under the weather over the weekend. Took medical leave on Monday. The prolonged sore throat developed into a scratchy dry cough. The medication knocked me out completely. At work now, trying to survive the day without feeling like throwing up.

I arrived early. Said to someone in the lift how it feels like Monday. With a sigh she agreed despite it being a Tuesday. I managed to finish most of my work on time. Have a bigger project to handle, planning sometimes takes longer than execution of the task. Lunch time is around the corner, I do not feel like going anywhere. Still feel nauseous for some reason. Maybe it is fatigue. I did not take the antibiotics.

Yeah, I will probably rest during lunch. I do not have the energy to go out into the sun, heat, people and pollution.

I would like to stay in for a week. Sleep off the fatigue and emptiness. Hurry up, lunch time.

My mind is turning to mush. It is very likely it is the medication from last night. Took a double dose to help me sleep. Woke up every hour to check the time.

It is cold here. I wish to sleep. My whole body feels like it will fall apart and collapse.

I stepped out for lunch to buy some office drawer goodies since I will be here for awhile. Five boxes of tissue that comes in a pack by Scotts which are half the usual size of 90 sheets. Raisins since they did not seem to have any Apricots, Sun-Maid of course. A large bowl of instant noodles and two cup versions, curry flavour. For lunch I got myself a box containing six Nature Valley Granola Bars, Apple Crisp flavour; and two cups of Nestle Yoghurt. I am not on any sort of diet, just feeling sick overall with nerve pain. It is so freezingly cold in the office that I must bring a sweater tomorrow. If I reach home tonight, if ever due to the rain; I will surely fall sound asleep.

Ten minutes more and I say goodbye. I am just so exhausted. I am halfway to dreamland at this rate. Tomorrow should be easier as I have laid down the tasks to be completed by day’s end. Today still feels like Monday. Thank goodness it isn’t.

{S04E02 : 20101005 : 1657}

copyright 2008 – 2010 yamashita riki . all rights reserved internationally . www.yamashitariki.com

“Beta September”

Fifteen minutes to go and I am counting. It is Friday evening with nothing planned. Half dazed from trying to finish work promptly so that there is nothing to worry about over the weekend. Just last night, a beta version of the yamashitariki.com website was launched discreetly. As I have mentioned before, no real change in the front end, most of the magic occurs behind the scenes. Needed to upgrade the code anyway.

Took a few shortcuts for the beta release in order to meet the schedule. I was behind time by seven days. I was initially planning to get it released by September. I figured I needed to get my platform ready so I would not hold back the other details. I cannot seem to get the WordPress auto-feed to Twitter plugin to work. It used to work, now it decided not to. Oh well. I doubt anyone actually read other people’s tweets unless they are mentioned. Most of the time, reading your own tweets are more interesting and hoping others would respond.

My big priority is getting my online journal set up so that I can begin writing again. I still refuse to call it a “blog”, feeling that it might degrade some imaginary aesthetic inclination.

I am wondering if I should wait for the bus and waste time, or waste time hanging about in the Golden Triangle wandering aimlessly. I feel like going home to hide, but I have the whole weekend to do so.

I cannot think of anything else but to leave this cubicle. I hope the weekend would not be unproductive. Moving out from beta would definitely be better.

{S04E01 : 20101001 : 1658}

copyright 2008 – 2010 yamashita riki . all rights reserved internationally . www.yamashitariki.com